chriswelch.com

Is confusion a constant plauge on 20 year olds? I thought I was confused when I was 16 but that was a freaking straight laced piece of pie compared to my 20's. I start my decade in college, practically a cauldron of confusion and directionless meandering. I'm a couple years into my 20's and the outlook isn't good, and I'm wondering if the confusion doesn't end in my 30's. When I was young I saw a couple episodes of this show called thirty-something and they all seemed pretty confused.

I started this blog to have an outlet to share my musings on life, and less as a book report of my life. That mission has seemed to wane a little, but I also enjoy being able to share. If you don't have a blog, you should try it. It's pretty theraputic. Tonight for example. Here I am, not wanting to go to sleep, typing into the void that is the Internet. Well, maybe less a void, and more a carnival... er, freak show — but maybe that's just 12:45 talking.

See, I have this problem. It's really hard to have a relationship with someone when it's far apart. It's problematic enough just to have relationships with people, let alone when you can't read their face or go places with them. But when you've been mad at your friend, and haven't talked to them for a long time because of it, and you find yourself still thinking about them, and checking your mail now and then just to see if they've sent just one more e-mail, or when a wrong number calls you but it looks close to their number and you get positively giddy inside because you think its that person; well, I may not be the brightest person in the relationships field of study, but I'd say that's as good a time as any to get honest with yourself, admit you miss them even though you didn't think you did, and talk to them.

I'd say one of the biggest problems I have in relationships with anyone is that I don't have the guts to admit what I really feel. I used to confuse that with me propensity to hold my tounge for long periods of time before I'd speak up when something bothered me, but I think that's just having a high threshold for getting cranky. However, there comes a point when deep-down you know how you feel about something, and after that point, if you don't make some kind of positive action, you're just lying to yourself.

This is important with this particular friendship because if I can't be honest, those feelings are always just going to be lurking in the background. Additionally, it causes us to have to spend longer time not speaking. For instance if I had just picked up the phone earlier...

What's really interesting is how resilient truly lasting relationships can be. I've gone without talking to many of my friends for months when we're apart, and yet my very best friends can just pick up the phone and we take it from where we left off. It also helps that, like me, my friends don't need constant interaction to keep our interest piqued.

As I have ended many blog entries, I will continue the tradition here by saying, "I dunno." But I suppose no one really knows and that's why we have God and old people who've been around the block just a few more times than we have. In fact, maybe God and old people should collaborate and write a book that explains how not to fudge up relationships. I suppose you could say we already have the Bible, but I was thinking something along the lines of Bill Cosby's Fatherhood for confused twenty-somethings. I should call God's publicist. Anyone have his number?

"I don't feel I should have to apologize for the way I am." This coming from a recent breakup with a girl I'd been seeing for all of two weeks, and interestingly how I feel about my intermittent lapses of blog-idge every now and again.

So no, I don't have a girlfriend anymore. Not that I can't see myself with one, which is appearently more of a problem for Steve than for myself, but more that I'm sick of friggin' crazy, nuts girls who can't chill out a little and give me some space to breath....

:: breathing ::

I know I've said this before, but perhaps the ole hormones fogged my head a bit this time around. Never again. Once bitten, twice attacked by a pit bull, thrice shy, as I always say. Enough about that, though, let's move onto happier subjects.

Business is good, it looks like we'll easily break even by December 1 even with startup costs, and probably be able to put a nice chunk of change into the "Office for Signal18" fund or at the very least have enough time to setup the IMAP service and some Web mail over qmail. I love qmail but it sure isn't terribly well supported by all those nice services that are great to have (namely IMAP and Web mail, but I may just be being redundent again.)

The last revenue goal for the company was $50,000 in our first 8 months, and having braved a summer of deathly hot and dry weather (or warm and temperate, depending how you look at it), we've managed to sally forth. Our next goal: $260,000 from Dec 2004 to Feb 2005. That should put us on track to expand to a staff of 6, move into our first office, and begin to offer a basic health plan to our employees (like me!). All sounds a little bit happier doesn't it?

Also, we get our business cards on Thursday, which is pretty cool. If you're reading this, you may already be on the list to get a bunch of them by mail but request some cards if you want them. I have plenty and will be more than happy to send some to you.

Anyways, I passed my summer classes, and I'm starting my final 4 college courses this quarter. After that, I'll be free to do whatever I like, such as read a book or go to Latin America ;)

I'm wrapping up today's post with a quote I read and really liked:

The difference between a warrior and a common man is that a warrior looks at everything as a challenge, while a common man looks at everything as either a blessing or a curse.

The only thing you can know is that you never know. The only constant is change. All the great clichès in the world about life, and they never stop being true.

Just 3 weeks ago I was lamenting about how tough this business thing is. Well, that hasn't changed, but I've received some perspective and feel a heck of a lot better about it all. I've stepped back, surveyed the land and decided that the only way I can go is on the path no one has made yet. It's hard work, sure, but start out small and eventually you'll never know how much momentum you can get. Start off with a clear vision and and a reasonable plan, and a mere mortal can move mountains.

I had the chance to do some book shopping, which always envigorates my mind because it reminds me of how much left there is still out there to learn, and I had the fortune and blessing to read two very inspiring books. One is a true story about a couple of guys who decided to go out on their own, start a company together and tells of all their fooibles along the way. It was inspirational only in the sense that these guys had no freaking idea what they were doing, and they did pretty okay for themselves. They just took it one day at a time, and weren't afraid of falling off the bike as they were learning how to ride.

The second book, which is one of the neatest books I've read all year is about what every small business owner is going through and how to succeed in spite of it. It talks about the inevitable growing pains every company experiences from birth to death and shows how to build a business that will last, instead of something that will be around only for a few years or such. I highly recommend both books and you should check them out (TellMeWhy and The E-Myth Revisited).

Anyways, from these books, and the inspiring words I received from a very thoughtful man I know, I've seen that I just have to make a plan, dig my feet in, and take life as it comes; and I'll be a bumbling idiot at times, making lots of mistakes, but that's okay, because I'm not alone and me and my business are probably going to survive most of my stupidity.

In other news I got to spend the weekend in Washington, D.C. with one of my best friends Mike and Kristen. A great time, despite feeling a little car sick for some reason, Sunday morning, and can't wait to see them soom. Also, I've made a point to chill out a bit and have some serious fun now and then. Even though there's lots to do, you have to play hard when you work hard I guess, or you'll go nuts (more nuts). After making it a point to do that, I've found it a lot more enjoyable during the day when I'm going to have a great night.

I'm going to sign off now, and I'll talk to you all soon.

Part II. Decisions

I dunno, folks. I'd like to say that the past 2 weeks having Steve and Frank not working has been theraputic, but it hasn't. Now that Steve's no longer working with me, I sort of feel like I'm floating out here in space, just kinda minding my own business, not really having a clue what the heck's going on.

Maybe the right term of what I'm feeling is a "Crisis of Confidence". Not so much with my abilities, cause I know that I'm certainly more capable than most. It's more of a lack of understanding of how I need to make my first million. What's the most efficient way to get there?

And then there's this little matter of where to live. I really have three places I really wanna live: New York/Boston, Los Angeles/San Diego, Austin/San Antonio, Seattle, Toronto, London, or Tokyo. I'm sorry, was that 7 places? Do you see what I'm going through? Yes, I know the whole foreign prospect (especially Japan) could be a little taxing, but some part of me needs to live in another country.

And what about a job? I mean I just spent very nearly $10,000 in fees and expenses to start this company, and I'm actually thinking about getting a job! Of course, they say you can't get rich working for someone else, but a job is 9-5 and you get to have something of a life, time to work on other projects, and a steady income. I mean that may sound boring, but with my propencity to stir up trouble (in a good way), I'm sure it would be fun. The fact of the matter is if a company (especially O&R) were willing to pay me the right amount, I just don't know how I could say no.

Plus, there's the social aspect of it. O&R and the other companies I'm looking at are in really big cities, or in really dynamic cities. One of things I don't have right now is a network. I'm sure I have more of a network than I think I do, and I just don't know how to tap into it, but because I'm young I need to make those professional outreaches, because wealth is built on a strong back and the brains of others — and you can quote me on that.

In the mean time I'm still trying to scrape enough to pay the rent with this whole company thing. As a result, I'd like each of you who have read this to spread the word: Signal18, Inc. is open for business. We provide computer consulting and development services, focusing specifically on network application development, information architecture, and systems analysis.

Although the journey for me is just beginning, the train is making a stop here at Corporate Town. Departure is to be announced.

I'm the kind of person who has to have romance in his life. If it's missing for too long I get sick. My head gets unfocused, and I get an ache I otherwise don't know how to get rid of.

I need someone to be the center of my attention and someone else to make me the center of theirs. I want a romance! It's wierd but I think the same thing drives me at work, that passion, also fuels my romantic notions. I don't know why it was me that these strange, morbid gifts have been dispensed upon, since when, as is normally the case, I have no one to cook elaborate meals for or sit with me on the couch or take drives with, it feels more like a sick curse than any kind of blessing. They make movies about people like me, but sure as hell bet those boys weren't havin' fun before they met the girl.

Practically speaking, it's really rather destructive. I feel guilty going out with women now, because I know what's going to happen. I go about our relationship, making them my world, and as has been the case in some (but not all) instances, when the day comes that I realize the relationship won't work, the "abrupt" break-up inevitably soon follows.

I can't chill out, as some would suggest. This is who I am. I am irrevokably romantic and am the person who will make you feel the most special in the world. But what am I to do? I don't want to break people's hearts (much less my own), but at the same time, should I not be allowed to date? I mean that is what we're supposed to be doing in our 20's, right?

And I can't stand the thought of dating someone for the sole purpose of having an outlet — a respite if you will — for my fantasy romance. But even if I'm pretty sure there's no chance, a good looking, intelligent woman is almost too much for me to pass up. But I'm sick of the pressure I've placed on myself in the past of trying to find "the one" and as much as I may even to this day care for them, have to leave them when the signs become clear on the wall.

It's like I have these pictures in my head of what "the one" should look like, but there's no single picture. They're all swired together, and as soon as I try to focus on one of them, its like she changes into something else entirely. I'm frankly sick of waiting to find out which one she is, and I just want a little companionship.

PELIGRO: for those who dislike romance and such, you prolly shouldn't have read this entry. Sorry bout that :)

Today's been a good day over all. Not only did the mail bring good tidings in all directions, but I'm sort of gaining back some of my lost momentum. More on that later...

Part I. The Mail

Today's mail had a mix of exciting things. First, I got a check from RG&E in accordance with their recent sale of the Ginna nuculear power plant for the total sum of $17.64. This certainly isn't anything to write home about, but it pays for a nice meal out this weekend. Appearently more money is on the way, too. If you ask me, RG&E should sell stuff more often to help subsidize my growing monthly electricity bill (having servers is expensive).

Secondly, I received some pictures from my mom which she took during graduation. Thankfully, they're nice pictures and were a pleasent and unexpected surprise. Looks like the new digital camera is just smart enough to make up for her otherwise photographic shortcomings. I especially liked the one with me in my graduation outfit, kissing my little sister on the cheek. I'm at the age now where I'm cogniscient of myself and my sister growing older together, and it certainly is amazing how fast we grow up. I remember when I was holding her when she was born and afraid I was going to squish her soft head if I didn't hold her right.

Also in the mail, I received a credit line increase ::claps::... ANOTHER credit line increase. At least the credit card companies don't mind giving out money when you don't have any. I've always loved that about banks, who'll only give you a loan if you already have money. Good credit is a blessing, and although consumer credit is a plauge on man-kind, cash flow is king in my business and good ole Citi keeps the engine lubed and running. Thanks Citi!

Finally, in the mail today I found a letter from my corporate attorney. Was it the bill that I dread seeing every day? In fact, no, it was a copy of my incorporation filing. I have to say, Bill Smith, the attorney in question, is worth every penny I'm paying him, and although it was a tough, tough decision between him and Patricia Foster (both of whom I'd recommend talking to), I'd say he's a top notch guy who's on the ball, and doesn't nickle and dime a poor chump like me to death.

I think what will be more or less surprising to my dear readers is that Steve is not to be found anywhere on the incorporation documents. When it came down to it, he needed to be in Cleveland with his family and at the end of the day we had different views of how things should work. Although it's like breaking up with someone, it's something that I've accepted and am trying to move past. Steve continues to be one my best friends and I don't regret for a second giving it a go and seeing if it would work. In fact, we may even be stronger for it.

Handling the split, though, is something that is a bit of a challenge...
Stay tuned for Part II of The Journey to Corporate-Town.

I know many of you are wondering what's happened to me. Well, after Steve and I got back off vacation, we started working on our new company. I don't want to announce it yet, since we haven't signed any papers, but suffice it to say, that Steve and I have had an interesting, and very trying number of interpersonal situations since then

Let me say right now that I regret nothing that has occured since myself, Mike, and Steve started working on this new company 6 months ago. It has been a learning experience of a lifetime but I also want to say that if you're looking for anything other than a laid-back kind of business, if you really care about your friend, entering into very complex agreements is a very personal and very serious matter that requires extreme maturity and objectivity.

I've been praying that God will help me do the right thing both by Steve, myself and the company, and I have to proceed with faith that we can work these things out because I believe Steve and I and this company can work, if not without a little heartache along the way. Steve and I have talked about it, and we both get this kind of nauseous feeling just having to think about these things. Its like we've tripped ourselves into a rollercoaster, we're upside down and we can only ride it out to the end.

How icky is it to have to think about remedies for all the different ways the person you're about to enter into a partnership with is going to screw you? I mean what kind of foot does that start us out on? I know its business but its not like we don't know the other partner very well, so at least we have the excuse that we have doubts. I think most to of the heartache comes because we do know each other so well, and we know what kind of situations are likely to arise. It's sort of a mixed blessing.

I'll have more when we actually get this thing up and running. In the meantime, I've never really asked for prayer in any real sense before, but my life has been building up to this for years now, and I wanna get it right the first time, and I wanna get it right with Steve, so I appreciate your thoughts and prayers.

I walk tomorrow, and while I wait for my family to get here, I thought I'd post a quick update. Father, it's been a month since my last post, and what a month it has been. Hiring an co-op for the summer, starting development on our first product, and making it through school alive, have all made an appearence on my arduous to-do list.

This has officially been the toughest quarter at RIT yet, which I suppose is kind of befitting my final quarter, and my transition into the world of the gainfully employed. Speaking of which, I being work officially next Friday (yes, next Friday), when I start putting together the company's New York State Articles of Incorporation.

The biggest stress right now is the damn name. While it seems to be available and we own 4 variations of the domain on the Internet, the what ifs are dragging me down. As Steve says, though, "You worry too much." It's good that I have him, cause he certainly helps keep me balanced.

The good news about starting work next Friday is that my vacation starts today. Sara and Steve are visiting, along with Mike and Kristen so all indications point to some raucaus fun tonight and tomorrow after graduation. I'm looking forward to letting some stress out, lemme tell ya ;)

Afterwards, Steve, Sara and I, head off to Cleveland where we will be spending at least 1 day at Cedar Point, the coolest park in the world (in my humble opinion).

But now that the quarter's over, I keep thinking about one thing, even though this last quarter's been beaucoup stressful, and the whole girl thing didn't work out so well, life's pretty good to me. I'm paying my bills, and I'm pretty comfortable so really I have a lot to be thankful for. It's like what I said to my Dad when he recently paid off a $26,000 business debt, "But at least you were able to pay a $26,000 bill."

Life's funny like that, and of course, all our ups and down are relative, but going forward, as nervous as I am about us starting this company from the ground up, I can't help but be overly optimistic at how much promise we have.

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