chriswelch.com

Are the world’s wars fought by the egos of men?
Is the world’s hunger fed by their endless greed?
If there are good men can they stand for what they believe in, or will they just give in?
I beg of you to answer if there is such a thing as honor, and if men are capable of true justice.
Is it possible for men to move the will of a people, and would it be in vain?
If men are merely guided by their nature, how much good could a single man do,
If he tries to change a nation?

Now that the long stretch of work is over from Turkey Break, I spent much of today prepping to get ready for the next quarter of work and school, calling clients, cleaning up the house, getting all my books in order, and so forth. Things that are necessary for me to be able to proceed with no distractions. I like having the "house in order" before facing a long section of busyness.

I think I'm going to have to work on my ability to work with mess. When I hit some part of my work that I find really boring, like programming long forms, I get really antsy and want to start doing something else. When you work at home, I think many can attest, you find that there's never a shortage of things to do. I keep it under control, though, because at the end of the day, the keyboard is the only means to earn the green.

The more I do this contracting work, the more I find out how hard it is. It's not necessarily difficult because of anything I work on, but because when you work at home, you are the total master of your schedule. Even if you own your own business and drive to work, it's still different, because for some reason it feels more like a 9-5 job. When you're contracting and your job is so intwined with your living space, it is very easy to screw up your schedule in a big way.

It seems that the most important characteristics of a person who wants to be a successful contractor is self-discipline, and focus. Without those too things, you can never get yourself into the habits and routines that are so critical to those who are self-employed and at home.

You know it's amazing sometimes how much we can take for granted the lives we live. I know I'm a bit consumed by the day to day, every now and again. But it's really great just having the simple pleasures to get you through. An honest day of hard work, whatever that work is, having people that care about you, someone to love, and just taking pleasure where you're at. I really can't think of life any happier than that.

I'm spending the week doing a lot of buttoning up. All those things I haven't done since the beginning of the quarter are getting done now. It feels good to cut all those annoying loose ends out of life. I'm also getting my hair cut. Long story short, I was afraid of a bad hair cut while I was in Europe so I opted to not get one. As a result I claimed that I was "growing my hair out" which was, of course, only half the story.

So now that I am actually "growing my hair out," I've determined that it's reached an adequate length and now it's time to get it cleaned up. While I was out today, one of my todos was to find a hair stylist that wasn't named "JCPennys" or "Sears". So my first stop was a place I'd heard on the radio. I'll save these venerable place from mention by name, but as I was walking there from the parking lot I noticed the sports theme might have been in style with the local 6-year-old hipsters, which judging by the age of the clientelle, was basically the idea. Deciding that didn't bode well for my self-esteem or my hair, I continued walking to the store next door (which turned out to be KB Toys but that's moot).

So I continued across the street to a local place that had the appearence of being quite glam & sophisticated. Checking my gender at the door, I went to the main desk to try and get an appointment. Although not totally surprised, I was a little sticker shocked when she said the prices ranged from $20-100 based on exprience. Back in the ole' days my hair was neither glamorous nor sophisticated, and my haircut prices reflected that, but this place looked like a cut above the places I was used to.

Appreciating that long hair is not "normal" for guys, I bit. I'm pragmatic, so I took the $45 stylist, and have an appointment on Thursday. During my scheduling I got a bit a relief when I when I saw a guy walking out of the store with good-looking long hair and a smile on his face. Now, unless they're running a completely different operation back there, I'd say I'm feeling pretty good.

Also on the agenda for the day was getting a couple of old documents framed from my great-grandmother Hiscox. Unfortunatly, they won't be ready by the time my grandmother arrives this week, but they'll be stunning on my wall. You've got to see these things. Besides the fact that they look great on their own, with the colors and frames we chose, they're really going to be quite nice. I spent over an hour with the lady at the store picking out frames and mattes for the two century-old magazine covers. Sticker shocked for the second time, the total came to $220, but after much soul searching, I knew that they were worth it because they are important pieces of history, if not to anyone else but myself. Guess grandma was right when she said that framing was expensive.

Besides some minor tweaks, once those two pieces are hung, I will officially be done decorating the living room, kitchen, and bathroom, but honestly I'm not looking forward to the bedroom — it's so boring. I'm gunna need some help with that one.

I'm no plot spoiler, so I won't ruin the fun, but I just got back from seeing Matrix Revolutions on our IMAX here in Rochester. The movie was so intense I was shaking at the end. Don't believe anything else you hear. I'm pleased to say, the movie was so intense I was on the edge of my seat. Good job!

I'm hoping no one really expects me to fill you in on the last half-dozen weeks. Well, actually, since you're being good and not expecting — I'll do it anyway. It's fairly simple actually. I've been working at school and on my own, trying to build a solid foundation for myself. The one person I feel the best around is 6000 miles on the other side of an ocean, and the weeks I have to drudge through allow for little else than the drudge at hand.

I mean I guess it's really not bad. Let's take an inventory:

• I'm doing well in school and learning more than any other quarter in two years.
• I'll be going to Ireland for New Year's to see those sweet eyes once again.
• The dreams that I've had since I was a kid are finally starting to take shape in the form of my 'evil plans' for world domination.

I dunno. Even when I'm taking it one day at a time, the shear enormity of the task of just making it through seems so overwhelming at times. In the midst of it, I doubt myself; I doubt others; I wonder, "Is it going to work out?" Of course, only time and a little work will make any of it happen, but a back rub and few gentle words of support would sure boost the troop's morale.

When the task at hand is so large, that it seems bigger than you, what do you do? I suppose one kind of person buckles — gives up and says "Life was tough on me again, and I just couldn't do it." The other kind of person looks at it, sees that "bigger" is relative only to your point of view, and breaks it down. I want to be the latter kind.

So what? So what about all these ramblings? If I could have one wish tonight, I wouldn't wish for less work, less stress, or less responsibility. I wouldn't want to lose the knowledge and experience that comes from the work that makes us whole. I would wish for a sage guide to help me keep my footing in the loneliest deserts of my life. And when I awoke from my fanciful dream, I would brush my teeth in the morning, and there he would be staring back at me.

And with tossed hair and in imperfect features, I would recognize the only person who has always stood by me, who grew only closer to me with time, and has been my guiding force. Of course, God is that ultimate guide, but unless we can find the strength within ourselves — that inner fire — we can do nothing great. God gave man free will that we might serve him of our own desire. He will not change our will; he can only help us master it.

Although, a hug and a long uninterrupted conversation every now and then would sure be nice...

I haven't written in a while, and even though I seem to be busier now than I ever would have anticipated, I feel the need to check in and let everyone know how I'm doing.

Since we last met, I've moved back into the apartment and have begun school. The curriculum is challenging, if not difficult, but primarily time consuming. The time requirement though has been the biggest "Gotcha!" this quarter. Come to find out, this will only continue until I complete my core classes at the end of the year. Unfortunatly I don't have the luxury this quarter of taking a lighter load, although, I'm feeling that next quarter it would be better for my life in general to take advantage of that.

Moving right along, I also attended to some work with my good friends at Orange & Rockland. It was great seeing Guy, Scott, Cecille, and all the other folks down there again. It really is rare to meet a group of people with such a great mesh, who are really so connected. As an added bonus, I'll be doing some work for them in the long term, in addition to the work I'll be doing for the guys over at Knucklehead.

I'm also looking forward to spending time with my friends. I picked up Rise of Nations and Star Wars: Galaxies, and although I haven't had much time to get into Galaxies, Rise of Nations is really an amazing upgrade to Microsoft's real-time strategy (RTS) game series. Along with that classic game play we first fell in love with in Age of Empires, they've improved a number of performance, graphics and gameplay, problems allowing you to now control massive armies of upwards of 300 soldiers with little problem. Matt's coming up the weekend after this so we'll be kicking each other's asses I'm sure, not to mention when we're playing RoN. It'll be good to spend more time with him.

In the category of new and old friends, I find it interesting, as I make more personal connections, the ebb and flow of characters into our little TV shows. Every now and then you'll think, "Whatever happened to that guy," and then the next week he's there. Sometimes, though, people do go and that always comes with it a certain amount of disappointment. On the other hand, it allow the time to focus on the few friends I like to keep and really put the most into them.

And this nicely brings me to the fact that every day, I walk around thinking about one person, who's letters I wait for every day. There is nothing better than getting a love letter, I think. Letters themselves are great, and when written by someone who sends it with their soul, it makes it that much better. When I left Margit Iren the last day we travelled together in Munich, I was the saddest boy you could imagine. The only silver lining I had was the thought that maybe someday I would see her again. No matter how hard I tried though, I couldn't shake her from my thoughts, and she's been there ever since. The remainder of my days were not as bright without her.

It's hard to explain the way I feel, but maybe you know what I'm talking about, when everything's so right it makes everyday seem kind of fuzzy. Even being as right-headed as I am, and applying every kind of reality check to our situation, there is only one person I wish I was falling asleep with at night (and no it's not Big Fat Cat).

We have been talking on a regular basis, and that really helps, but the reality and scope of my feelings scare me a little bit, just to know that to really love someone is a definite responsibility, but a happy one. The biggest thing that makes me nervous is my seemingly chronic insecurity about if I'll be as good to her as I can be. I can't seem to shake the thought that I'm going to be a dork and screw myself out of perfection. My fears need to be balanced or I'll go crazy, but I haven't yet figured out how.

At this point, we're many miles apart, but even with the obstacles we face at being together, I can take comfort in knowing that one day I'll get to see my partner in crime again, and hopefully sooner rather than later.

Last night I sat under the stars. In my parent's backyard, half way between the country and the city, the sky is black enough to see all the stars in the galaxy. I wanted to get away, so I layed down in the thick mat of dewy grass, and watched the sky at work.

When I was a child, I had a fascination with the stars. This facination turned into a love of science, and science fiction. Shows like Star Trek and Star Wars captivated my imagination. I enjoyed astronomy and dreamed that one day I would be able to go to another planet, and explore the universe.

Like when I was young, I imagined that I was flying my own space ship, free to wander the universe and explore distant solar systems. Of course, it didn't take long to see that this is just another longing for adventure that I sometimes have, and if not adventure then freedom — or maybe somehow those things are the same.

But of course this is ridiculous. As adults we must face our responsibilities head on. We must strive to better ourselves. We must increase our wealth; we must build a family; we must settle down. And being so young, I guess I am hardly beginning to realize what a burden these ideals will place on me.

I can't help the feeling though, that maybe somehow these aspirations of ours, that we strive for all our lives, elude the point of it. Perhaps there is something to the thousands and thousands of Native Americans that lived only to be in harmony with nature. That lifestyle may live on only in spirit now, but I can't help but wondering if their crime rates were as high, and unemployment and pollution so pervasive... or more importantly, if their quality of life was as good, or perish the thought, even better than our own.

It's been almost a week since I returned from Europe. With all the longing thoughts of home, and desire to have a wardrobe larger than 6 shirts, I think last night solidified for me the fact that I really just want to keep travelling. Without a doubt, there is nothing more romantic than the thought of leaving everything behind and facing the world with only your own strength and determination.

It seems to me that there are things in life that could bring that kind of sense of adventure. Ranching, for example. How great would it be to live out on thousands of acres of your own land, with your cows and your wife, spending the day on the back of a horse, worrying only about keeping your cows healthy and marketable? Living a simple life.

But of course the problem is that this desire to live a simple life is in direct conflict with my passion for business, which by necessity requires that I muck my life up with dozens of people I'll have to deliver for. Stress is the very nature — the very adventure of — high stakes business.

Maybe Ted Turner should be my role model in this respect. Media mogul turned rancher, he now works only when he wants to, and spends the remainder of his days tending his cattle with his (some would say) beautiful wife in the pristine Texas prairie. Or someone like Larry Ellison, one of the richest men in the world, who worked so hard and now plays just as hard, nearly killing himself as he raced his yacht in the America's Cup.

I don't have an answer to these questions, these that have been nagging me recently. It seems that the choices I'll make in the next couple years will dramatically affect the rest of my life, and the burden of that decision is weighing me down. I know I have to face them eventually, so I want to face them without delay, but I want to live the happiest, most fulfilling life I can, in all respects. One of the greatest fears I have in life is being stuck at a desk forever. I want to live life fully.

As Lan says, maybe the fact that I'm even asking these questions is a sign that I shouldn't worry. I hope she's right, but I can't be sure, because recognition is only half the battle. The other half is implementation.

I finished Beyond Romance. Very good book. Sometimes a little heavy on the jargon, but it was a critique. The meat of the text was easy to comprehend. How 'bout this: True love happens when you find a person you want to discover for the rest of your lives. Pretty cool right? I could get really into it (and I may sometime later), but I will refrain, since I'm feeling pretty sassy right now.

My last 36 hours in Europe (on this trip anyways) and I'm feeling like I have a real spring in my step. I don't know why. Even though I'm ready to go home (my feet hurt), I'm going to suck every last ounce out the last few hours that I can.

Okay, so here's the deal. I'll be home sometime after 10pm on August 18th (after my parents generously fill me full of Dinosaur BBQ ribs), so e-mail if you want to be the first to throw Chris a welcome home party. Work doesn't begin for a few days for me, so I'll be at your mercy ;)